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  • Ron and Jerry, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed

    the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.



    One day Ron didn't show up but Jerry wasn't concerned; he thought Ron

    might have a cold or some urgent appointment. Then, after Ron hadn't

    shown up for a week or so, Jerry really got worried. However, since

    Jerry didn't know where Ron lived (the only time they ever got together

    was at the park) he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

    So after a month had passed, Jerry figured he had seen the last of Ron.

    On his next visit to the park, however, Ron was sitting on their usual

    bench waiting for him. Amazed and delighted, Jerry exclaimed, ''for

    crying out loud Ron, what in the world happened to you?''



    Ron replied, ''I've been in jail.''



    ''Jail?'' cried Jerry. ''You? What on earth for?''



    ''Well,'' Ron said, ''you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at

    the coffee shop where I sometimes go?''



    ''Yes,'' said Jerry, ''I remember you telling me, what about her?''



    ''Well, one day she filed rape charges against me. At age 89, I was so

    proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ''guilty.''

    ''The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.
    When I die and they lay me to rest,
    I'm gonna get pissed with Georgie Best

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      • __________________

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            • Aussie couple at hotel on honeymoon:

              "Bridal, sir?" asked the receptionist

              "No thanks, mate, I'll just hold her ears until she gets used to it."
              When I die and they lay me to rest,
              I'm gonna get pissed with Georgie Best

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              • speaking about Aussies...

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                • That's my favourite:

                  One blonde asks another one: How to translate from French a phrase: "Je sais pas"?
                  The other answers: I don't know.
                  The first says: And nobody knows!

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                      • It's the second from this guy, that I see.
                        He is good. An artist. Respect.

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                        • The Tories - putting the "N" in cuts
                          When I die and they lay me to rest,
                          I'm gonna get pissed with Georgie Best

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                            • I was at the Ajax - Auxerre game last tuesday and just before we got the red card it looked like Mido was going to be put in later on.

                              He was taking of his jacket and getting ready to warm up.

                              So I heared this guy behind me saying:

                              "We welcome back 70kg of Mido and congratulate 30kg with their first match for Ajax"

                              More of an anecdote then a joke but he cracked me up.
                              If it wasn't for physics and law enforcement I'd be unstoppable!

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                              • The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

                                She said, 'I have some really great news!' So I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'

                                She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her,

                                'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!'

                                Then she said, 'There's more'

                                I asked, 'What do you mean there's more.'?

                                She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'

                                Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said.... (You're going to love this!)


                                'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Bootsl and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive.
                                When I die and they lay me to rest,
                                I'm gonna get pissed with Georgie Best

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