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  • Jeff Schweffe here for Geek...News24

    Scumbag Traders have stated that they are angered by accusations they are ill treating their subscribers.
    A spokesman for ST PLC said earlier today :

    "We treat all customers with impartiality and without discrimination. All our customers are treated equally."
    - Mr. Dim Fat, head of Customer Support and junior programmer for Scumbag Traders PLC

    But one irate customer, Mr Jiminy Holler is fond of shouting at people and has even made a career out it. He has stepped forward to add his name to the growing list of unsatisfied customers.

    "I feel like a right bloody chump! I really do!" he shouted.
    Why do you feel like a chump, Mr Holler?
    "If I think a person is a chump, I'll bloody well call 'em a chump! I can shout louder than anyone on the telly any day of the week. And I only shout when I think someone is acting like a chump! But this flaming company really takes the biscuit! Now it's me who feels like a chump! They've bloody well taken me and my money for a right old ride! And if I could get the lot of 'em in my TV studio they wouldn't stand a bloody chance! I'd shout so loud at them they'd be deaf in minutes!"
    And what exactly would you shout at them?
    "That's easy! I'd tell 'em I'm successful, off the pop, and - most importantly - I'm not a bloody stupid chump!"
    (Jiminy Holler holds up his hands to the camera reveaing eight stumps and two thumbs)
    "Look at these hands! Look at 'em! I used to have ten fingers! Now I've got eight knuckles and two thumbs with all the bloody emails I've hammered out!
    Take it easy Mr Holler and try to stop shouting. You're likely to bust a blood vessel ---.
    Thousands, I mean literally thousands of bloody emails and a phone bill longer than the Great bloody Wall of China! And no answer! No refund! Frig all!
    Please refrain from swearing, Mr Holler. This is a family show!
    "Good! The bigger the family, the more people will hear me!"
    I must ask you not to swear ---
    "Piss off, Jeff, and don't interrupt me when I'm hollering! One of the scumbags who works for ST PLC sent me an empty cereal box and had stuck his own label on it! You know what it said?!"
    No. What?
    "Breakfast Of Chumpions! Chumpions! Can you believe that?! Ha bloody ha! They think I'm a joke!"
    What makes you so sure it was an employee of ST PLC, Mr Holler?
    "Oh come on, Jeff! It's obvious it had to be some thick chump who'd appeared on my TV show and wanted to get even for being hollered at! So I got my research team to do some digging and we came up with a name. The thick chump had written his address on the back of the parcel!"
    We're running out of time, Mr Holler ---
    "No wait! Wait, Jeff! Lemme show you something ---!"
    ---we're almost out of time, Mr Holler ---
    "Waaaaiiiiit! It'll only take a sec'! Look at this picture --- !"
    --- Really, Mr Holler, we have to wind this up ---
    "---Look! Look! See?! This is me before I got involved with Scumbags!

    What's your point, Mr Holler?
    "I'm coming to that! Look at my picture here! I look like any psychologically well balanced guy who you could trust your kids with and who wouldn't say boo to a goose, right?!"
    Well, I suppose ---
    "Just your average Jiminy with the haircut of a ten year old, right?"
    Can you make your point --- ?
    "Then one morning I go into the kitchen for my corn flakes and orange juice and my wife and kids start screaming!"
    Why did they do that, Mr Holler?
    "Every picture tells a story, Jeff!... Here!... Feast your beady eyes on this and tell me what's wrong with this picture!"

    HOLY sh--!
    "Eeeeexactly, Jeff! That's what my four year old screamed!
    You look awful!
    "Scumbags reduced me to that, Jeff! I know I'm no oil painting, but does this look like the face of a psychologically well balanced guy you could trust your kids with and who wouldn't say boo to a goose?!"
    Well, it's not exactly a flattering photo, Mr Holler.
    "No, it isn't! More like The Portrait Of Dorian Jiminy!...Anyway, to cut a long story sideways, my wife packs the bags, grabs the kids and screams she won't come back 'til I get myself straightened out! ... She meant my ugly mug of course!"
    So I gathered.
    "Lucky for me I had a counselling and support team at the studio who I employ for straightening out the chump guests who appear! The support team and behavioral psychologists had me fit and back to my old self in next to no time!"
    It's been interesting to hear your point of view, Mr Holler, but we must end this interview.
    "Thanks, Jeff, for allowing me the opportunity to do what I do best ... holler at people, especially stupid fat chumps! I'd like to shake your hand but it's extremely awkward when you've only got four knuckles and a thumb!"
    (Jiminy Holler presses four knuckles and a thumb against his forehead)
    "I've had it up to here with Scumbags!"
    Any final words before we end this news report, Mr Holler?
    "Yes!...I've had plenty of time and experience strengthening my vocal cords by yelling in my TV studio at bloody stupid, fat chumps! I'm going to keep shouting at Toad and his toadies that I'm no chump like the rest of the chumps who they took for a ride! You rip-off merchants have picked on the wrong chump! Not that I'm a chump! Look at me! Do I look stupid?! Do I look like I've got chump written all over me?! You're not going to rubber stamp me the way you have with the rest of the chumps!"

    That was Mr Jiminy Holler.
    And I'm Jeff Schweffe for Geek...News24.
    And now for a more gentle, quieter piece of news ...


    • Newsflash - Scumbags still ignoring customer refund requests.

      Breaking news this morning on the Scumbags newswire suggests that customers asking for refunds by email are still being ignored.

      An unofficial spokesman for scumbags said, "Our policy is just to ignore people until they post on the forum. Then we abuse them, short change them & ban them for life."

      In other news, Scumbags founder & total recluse Adam Toad was said to be on the road to recovery, although he was still unable to find the reply button in Microsoft Outlook. A scumbags spokesperson said today "You will have to forgive his complete lack of customer service as Adam is working 16 hours a day trying to make some trading videos for the website where he actually wins."

      And finally, it emerged today that both the BetWeasel & Scumbags newswires were still on British Summertime 16 days after the clocks changed.

      More groundbreaking stories as they arrive right here on Geek News 24.
      Last edited by The Geek; 10 November 2009, 11:06 AM.

      What's new in version 1.2


      • Late News

        Late News - apologies it's four days late...

        Nice plug in there too.


        • Newsflash - Toad is Alive

          Reports in today show a video of Scumbags founder Adam Toad alive & well in Warrington. Toad, who hasn't been heard of for nearly 3 months after being struck down with a serious affliction of runouttabullshite was back on forum this week in a "Staged" & very amateur promotion video. Toad just popped in from down the road 60 miles away for a spot of trading. Surprisingly, when being interrupted by a weird parasite with a camera & rather portly Scotsman, he just dropped everything & smiled, rather than telling them to shut up as he was concentrating. At the end of the interview our reporter noticed that he didn't even have any trading software open on his monitor, and it was just showing Windows XP standard wallpaper. Looks like Toad is definitely on the road to recovery, so watch out for more videos of the same quality coming to a website near you soon. When asked to comment, Toad said "Erm, well actually I was using the new invisible mode in BetRaider Pro"

          Reclusive scoundrel Gary Evil & one of his darstadly henchmen were also caught on camera for the first time this week demonstrating his new improved & better looking version of Bedwetting Assistant, Fembot Assistant.

          In other news today, the violins were out for BetWeasel founder & self proclaimed mathematical genius Porky Webb, when he forgot his knowledge of basic accounting principles & tried to make out he was working for free this week.

          And finally, rumours are circulating that BetWeasel PLC's delayed flagship promotions project "Tin Pot Trader 2" was shelved after financing issues.

          More groundbreaking stories as they arrive right here on Geek News 24.
          Last edited by The Geek; 13 November 2009, 07:55 PM.

          What's new in version 1.2


          • Breaking New -- Nickolution Virus Scare

            Recent reports on the Scumbag Traders newswire show anti virus product AVG reporting a virus in their flagging product Nickolution.

            Full story on the Scumbags newswire.

            Geek News 24 - For when you have nothing better to read.
            Last edited by The Geek; 21 November 2009, 11:10 AM.

            What's new in version 1.2


            • I just ran a virus scan on it and AVG is indeed reporting it as infected with Win 32/DH.AA54534F48. It doesn't rain it pours for Adam Toad, as even if AVG is in error, there are going to be a lot of concerned users.

              What's new in version 1.2


              • Cheers to Adam for providing the community with unprecedented opportunities for taking the pish.

                To assist in your ongoing professional development as new pastures beckon I can help cut days off of needless training courses by showing you the secrets that all successful business people use on a daily basis.

                Here's my first tip
                Attached Files
                What's the rumpus?


                • Newsflash - BetWeasel PLC in Censorship Scandal

                  In news just in on the BetWeasel newswire, it has been suggested by a forumite that BetWeasel PLC have been censoring customers criticism of it's trading courses.

                  Self-proclaimed mathematical genius Porky Webb declined to comment as he was too busy celebrating.

                  In other News, Scumbags founder Adam Toad left yesterday. Toad, who never recovered from the serious affliction of Runouttabullshiteanddosh, will be missed by us all for a week at least.

                  Geek News 24 - For when you have nothing else better to do.
                  Last edited by The Geek; 2 December 2009, 04:57 PM.

                  What's new in version 1.2


                  • Newsflash -- Todger PLC takes over Scumbags?

                    An unconfirmed report today suggested that KTM Trading limited has one director, Carly Hargraves aged 30.

                    Looking like Todger PLC, a supplier of dubious products & services to Scumbag Traders PLC has taken over the Asylum.

                    Geek News 24 -- For when you have nothing better to read.

                    What's new in version 1.2


                    • As a follow on to Geek News exclusive a few minutes ago that Tadger is now in charge over the road we can also reveal that his first act as the official Fuhrer we be to totally revamp their forum to the way he has always wanted it to be. All previous posts are to be deleted and only a few categories will be on offer to post in . As off 12 am tonight this is what will greet the poor souls who still reside over there when they log in.........

                      Whilst it appears a radical step it could be argued its not much different from how things have been these last few months
                      Last edited by Knight Rider; 3 December 2009, 09:48 PM.


                      • Perhaps that is what he meant when he said "This forum in general is about to get right back on track and once again be a great place to be"

                        What's new in version 1.2


                        • Originally posted by The Geek View Post
                          Perhaps that is what he meant when he said "This forum in general is about to get right back on track and once again be a great place to be"

                          Exclusive picture of said track............


                          • Newsflash - Scumbags admits BTP is dead!

                            In breaking news today, Scumbags new director of customer relations, The Blagger was unofficially announcing BTP as dead.

                            in the first run on a UK trading company since the great depression of 1929, and in a desperate attempt to stop the stampede of customers demanding refunds, a 10 week deception & propaganda campaign was operated by Scumbags to deliberately mislead customers into thinking BTP would be back.

                            Scumbags declined to comment, however Bill Geek was today reported to be in mourning saying "We had some great times together."

                            Geek News 24 -- For when you have nothing better to read.
                            Last edited by The Geek; 10 December 2009, 10:05 AM.

                            What's new in version 1.2


                            • Newsflash -- BetWeasel rewrites the software rule book.

                              BetWeasel PLC yesterday re-wrote the software rule book with the release of a new version of it's flagging product BetDevil.

                              The break with convention started when under the usual hype, they released version 1.23.0, with a new grid designed to take on Gross Software PLC's totally dominant position in the In-Play market.

                              A few hours later after users reported a load of bugs & flaws in it, they did a forced U-Turn & re-branded it a "Beta Version". Today, they were also reported as having to re instate the old version on the downloads page, so users could go back to it.

                              A confused user who wished to remain Anon, said "What a total shower, I thought Beta Releases were supposed to come before proper releases."

                              Self-proclaimed mathematical genius Porky Webb declined to comment, as he was too busy wiping the egg from his face.

                              Geek News 24 -- For when you have nothing better to read.
                              Last edited by The Geek; 17 December 2009, 03:59 PM.

                              What's new in version 1.2


                              • Geek News 24 -- Highlight of the year.

                                Well it's nearly 2010, but before we leave for a new decade here is one of my favourite moments from 2009.

                                In memory of this momentous occasion, Her Majesty the Queen has declared that from now on March 14th will be a public holiday & will be forever known as credibility day.

                                Full story on the Scumbags new wire...

                                Somehow methinks it won't be around for long, but it will always be in our memory & hearts right here on Geek News 24..

                                Happy New Year from the team at Geek news 24.

                                News Update, Wow that was fast, threads pulled within 24 hours. Obviously The Blagger is somewhat embarressed about people reading the truth. Happy new year Mr Zero Credibility, nice to see you still tune in to our news bulletiens. { Still I suppose you need to go somewhere else for your forum fix these days, so I don't blame you for tuning in. }
                                Last edited by The Geek; 1 January 2010, 07:37 PM.

                                What's new in version 1.2