Joke of the day.

[custard]

Subject: New Chemist's Assistant

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

"Look," he said, "my regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won’t even be used."

The first day was fine, but on the second day a coloured guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350"..

The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament. "Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes!" she said " He's got one hanging there!" The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50, he's the window cleaner!"

[kingsley]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating

for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only

one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, and recently began wearing
very tight mini-skirts.

She would bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day my girlfriend's 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the

wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered

to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't

overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild

fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood

there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the

front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very

happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better

man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

[doubleback]

The wife walked in and saw me watching the Germany vs Denmark game.

"For feck sake! Football again? Can't we change the channel and watch something better than this!?" She bitched.

"Sure babe," I said, turning it over to the Portugal vs Holland game.

[dude67]

Sometimes, the Facebook comments underneath the cartoons are funnier than the cartoon itself. This one is in Danish, from http://heltnormalt.dk/striben/2012/06/16.



. . . . . William lived exactly at the end of the rainbow . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "**** you, shitty rainbow!"



Commenter #1:
What's his problem? There’s a shitload of money in a pot at the end of the rainbow….

Commenter #2:
It's probably at the other end.

[Firkinelle]

Breaking news england to be kicked out the euros because Rooney used a performance enhancing rug.

[kingsley]

Val, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport.

She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all.

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks: "Madam, are you sure you are using the right gears?"

Full of anger, the blonde replies:

"You fool, you idiot, how on earth could you ask such a question? I'm not stupid you know!

Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night.

[lcredd]

Found at REALLY RUDE JOKES .co.uk

At The Cinema

There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I need a wee, can I squeeze past you?"
"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."
"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.
He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"
"No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead.

[kingsley]

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about
their fathers.

The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem,
they give him £50.'

The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad
scribbles a few words on piece of paper,
he calls it a song, they give him £100.'

The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to
collect all the money!'

[doubleback]

Wettest June since records began ... I blame that new book, "Fifty Shades of Grey" ...

[kingsley]

Apologies if you have seen some of these..........

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Strewth, talk about Dyson with death

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p* nis enlarger.
Just opened it and some b* stard's sent me a magnifying glass!

What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten............ It's called a wedding cake.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said, "I love you".
She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I replied, "It’s me talking to the beer".

Hi I don't want you to panic, but I’m texting you from Accident & Emergency.
Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

[Slowmoe]

...............?

[kingsley]

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office
and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand.

Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She is going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She is going to poison me.

She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.

I can read English pretty good, and it say:

~~~Polish Remover~~~

[custard]

Rangers will not be using goal-line technology next season as neither the Hawkeye nor the Goalref technology has proved to be suitable for purpose.

A spokesman for the club said that they had examined the merits of each system in depth. Regrettably, they had come to the decision to abandon any form of technology because scientific advances were too limited to be suitable for teams who used jumpers as goalposts.

[pelican]

Getting old is terrible.
I went upstairs yesterday and forgot what I went up there for. I thought for a minute and went back downstairs ...

Thats when I shit myself

[kingsley]

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow ?"

[lcredd]

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh my, what's the bad news doctor?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “I'm sorry but you only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “But how can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

[kingsley]

CHURCH SQUIRRELS




There were five houses of religion in a small town:
The Presbyterian Church,
The Baptist Church,
The Methodist Church ,
The Catholic Church and
The Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.



One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.


But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.


Now they only see them on Christmas , Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.


Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

[kingsley]

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'


Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'


Ms.. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.


While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.


Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'


Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'


Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'


Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms... Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'


Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'


Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'


The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!


Harry replied: 'Pockets.'


Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'


Harry:
'Pants.'


The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'


Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.


Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'

[kingsley]

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
didn't move'


2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.......'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad..'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'


3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''


4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me
tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'


5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'


6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'


7. A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'


8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.


9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'


10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play
with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're
too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'


11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her,
'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

[Nosmo-King]

A young ventriloquist is touring the country and one night he's doing a show in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting.............

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think Blondes are thick!

You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, but the blonde yells,

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!"