Joke of the day.

[Firkinelle]

Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... What ees it? "

"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees



Ees a ham bush....."

[Firkinelle]

[Ted]

My Wild Oats Have turned to Shredded Wheat!

[Ted]

They are going to make a film about Harold Shipman starring Robert De Niro. Title: The Old Dear Hunter.

[Firkinelle]

Why i'm divorced.........

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..

I went downstairs forbreakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!',and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning,let alone' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....Well, that's marriage for you,but the kids....they will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word..


So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday !

I felt a little' better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me..'

I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.Let's go!'

We went to lunch.But we didn't go where we normally would go.She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table.We had two martini's each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go straight back to the office Do We?'

I responded,'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?'


She said,'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner..'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,

' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...

Followed by my wife, my kids,and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there.... On the couch....
Naked.

[Firkinelle]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

[Firkinelle]

Got To Love A Good Nurse.......



A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.



The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.



Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.



Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.



Written in large fuchsia letters was the sentence:

'Get well soon....

from the nurse in the Jeep

you pulled over last week.'







Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

[pelican]

Spent 3 hours last night watching 'Big Brother live' some lazy sod laying on a settee scratching his nuts and moaning about what wankers the housemates were......then realised the TV wasn't even on.....and it was just the reflection off the screen.

[Ted]

A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied. "Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?" "Twenty-six."

[Firkinelle]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

[Firkinelle]

Fred and Larry got married in California.

They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mum and Dad's
house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mum replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home ! for lunch and asks his mum, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

His mum says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mum replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my model airplane glue.'

[smashieandnicey]

New Ford coming,

Latest motoring news.
Renault and Ford are working together on a new van aimed at women drivers.
It will be a mix of the Clio and the Taurus calling it the Clitaurus.
It comes in Pink, and the average male thief wont be able to find it, even if it is pointed out to him

[Firkinelle]

[pelican]

WHO SAID FOOTBALLERS AREN'T INTELLIGENT?

My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7. "
David Beckham

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the
league."
Mark Viduka

"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well,
he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best
manager I've ever had."
David Beckham

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of
bed at the end of the day."
Neville Southall

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of
which were disputable."
Paul Gascoigne

"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and
hopefully after that as well."
Alan Shearer

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona "
Mark Draper

"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win
the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out."
Peter Shilton

"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week,
but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester "
Stan Collymore

"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on
the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at
Birmingham .. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he
was out there playing."
Ade Akinbiyi

"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."
Ian Wright

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier."
Ugo Ehiogu

" Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I
live in Middlesborough."
Jonathan Woodgate

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
Stuart Pearce

"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my
right."
Lee Hendrie

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."
Ian Rush

" Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals
out there today."
Steve Lomas

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my
right sock."
Barry Venison

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what
religion yet."
David Beckham

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more
European."
Phil Neville

"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."
Mitchell Thomas

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
Alan Shearer

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."
Johnny Giles

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals."
Thierry Henry

[Firkinelle]

[Firkinelle]

It was my first time ever
and I'll never forget

I'd do it again
without a single regret.

The sky was dark,
the moon was high

We were all alone
Just she and I.

Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue

I knew just what
She wanted to do.

Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine

I ran my fingers
Down her spine.

I didn't know how
But I tried my best

I started by placing
My hands on her breast.

I remember my fear
My fast beating heart

But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.

And when I did it I felt no shame
All at once the white stuff came.

At last it's finished
It's all over now

My first time ever
At milking a cow...

[Firkinelle]

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.

She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"



The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"



He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.

[Firkinelle]

[Firkinelle]

[Firkinelle]

Two old drunks were sitting in a bar when the first one said, "Ya know, when
I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.
By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard.
By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be sixty next week and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."

"So," said the second drunk, "what's your point?"

"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."