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Old 4th October 2011, 05:37 PM   #101
Nosmo-King
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"I intend to live forever......so far, so good."

"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy."

"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."


Steven Wright, famously erudite scientist and comic
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Old 6th October 2011, 09:44 AM   #102
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Default Brain function.

No real category for this but gets the brain working and if you can read this you have a strong mind:



7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.

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Old 6th October 2011, 09:52 AM   #103
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Well I'm one of those certain people that can read that message, but I also have the ability to read and interpret car number plates.
Did you get that from the DVLA job interview questionnaire.?
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Old 6th October 2011, 10:07 AM   #104
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Here's a thought for today, Sci-Fi movies. Set way in the future, all manner of stuff, cloaking devices, fazers fantastic weapons of destruction.
With today's weapons we have heat seeking, over horizon aiming. Loads of different ways to hit those baddy targets.
So why in the future do people still have to aim a weapon at the target, and why do they still miss.......

Last edited by Thomson; 6th October 2011 at 10:08 AM. Reason: speeling
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Old 6th October 2011, 10:08 AM   #105
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345Y
guess I'm a certain people then, you could put 2's for R's as well
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Old 6th October 2011, 10:23 AM   #106
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Plan a trade & trade a plan
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Old 9th October 2011, 06:39 PM   #107
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They say so many people die because of alcohol...

Perhaps they never realised how many of them are born because of it...
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Old 10th October 2011, 04:55 PM   #108
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Old 11th October 2011, 07:32 AM   #109
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JFK'S
Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when
DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaulle said he wanted all
US military out of France as soon as possible.





Rusk responded
"Does that include those who are buried here?"




DeGaulle did not respond.



You could have
Heard a pin drop



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


There was a conference in France where a number of international
engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a
break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have
you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft
carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he
intended to do, bomb them?'



A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly:



'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several
hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply
Emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three
cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day,
They can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water
each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in
transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We
have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'


You could have
Heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included
Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French
Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large
group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a
French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many
languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that
we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than
speaking French?'



Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied,



'Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans
arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'


You could have
Heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN
WITH THE ABOVE...



Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane.
At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his
carry on.



"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked
sarcastically.



Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.



"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."



The American said,



'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."



"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival
in France !"



The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he
quietly explained,



''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help
liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a
passport to."


You could have
Heard a pin drop.
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Old 24th October 2011, 01:44 PM   #110
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFWr-CKMWGY
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Old 28th November 2011, 01:48 PM   #111
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Places I have and have not been

I was in Credulous when I got this. I know it is hard to believe.

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.
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Old 4th April 2012, 01:35 PM   #112
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Old 4th April 2012, 07:21 PM   #113
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Understeer is when the front of your car hits the wall.

Oversteer is when the back of your car hits the wall.

Horsepower is how fast you hit the wall.

Torque is how far you take the wall with you.
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Old 13th April 2012, 03:23 PM   #114
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Default Whatever you do........

Apologies if you've seen this before!!

Never, NEVER, NEVER, under any circumstances,take a sleeping pill, and
a laxative on the same night!

Also:

1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the Pigeon, and some days you're the statue!

2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker..

5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8 * Never buy a car you can't push.

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.
=
13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty, and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

19 *Save the earth.... It is the only planet with chocolate!*= =
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Old 15th April 2012, 11:15 AM   #115
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ladies and gentlemen... my poem of the sunday morning:

i have a headache
and i can't even cry,
because my tear would contain alcohol
and burn my eye

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Old 15th April 2012, 09:12 PM   #116
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Q?) Whats the difference between the Icelandic volcano and Cheryl Cole?
A!) The volcano is still blowing Ash.

[old but Gold]
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Old 30th April 2012, 03:28 PM   #117
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Old 31st May 2012, 06:12 PM   #118
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Old 14th June 2012, 01:30 AM   #119
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Whenever you're feeling powerless,
remember that just one of your turds can shut down a whole swimming pool.
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Old 17th June 2012, 01:58 PM   #120
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUTMih75et0
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